Using the Outside to Try to Control Our Insides
Here’s a little dating story about what can happen when we try to cover up or run from an uncomfortable feeling instead of feeling, processing, and releasing it.
I recently got the nudge to get back on a dating app after a year and half of not dating at all. Yesterday evening I had a phone date scheduled for 5:30pm. I was looking forward to the call, as it would be the first time connecting outside of text with this person, and it seemed like we had a lot in common to chat about.
I had been having a 10/10 day so far. I was in my flow, I delivered an empowering and validating Human Design reading for someone, and one of my favorite bands released a new album. I was flying high. I also was looking forward to this phone date. Look at me go! Get it girl.
At some point in the day, when it was sunny out, I decided I was going to get out on the river trail and soak up that sun when it was time for my date. I thought how nice it would be to be outside amongst the trees and birds and river and sun to keep me in a good headspace while I chatted with my potential suitor, because I had some nerves and insecurity around the date and the intimacy of a phone call.
Part of me thought, “It’s probably going to be too loud to communicate well via phone on that trail, with all the traffic going by, especially at rush hour, and what if it’s windy…” Another part of me thought, “we need the trail, girl. Do it anyway. Better to stay high for this date."
This is when I should have seen clearly. But more on that soon.
It got to be around 3:30 or 4pm and the sun started to disappear behind the clouds. The sky turned gray and I was reminded of my sunny phone date plan. What was I to do? Stay home to have the phone date? I don’t think so. My mind was telling me if I stayed home I would feel insecure, I’d be too vulnerable, I wouldn’t be my best self like I am on the trail. LOL
I decided, “I’m still going to phone date on the trail. I’ll feel good that I’m outside and out in the world. Yep, I should definitely still take that walk. If I leave at 5pm and I’ll bop around that 3 mile loop, impress my suitor with my wit and charm, and be home just after dark.”
At 4:45 I geared up. I felt how cold it was outside (around 40/45 degrees fahrenheit) and dressed appropriately-ish. I embarked for the trail at 5pm, new Mannequin Pussy playing in my headphones. I was pumped. Up. Ready for this phone date. He’s not gonna know what hit him.
When I got on the trail, I noticed it was pretty loud with all the cars and wind. I got 15 minutes in and asked myself, “Should I just turn around and go back home where it’s quiet? This might be a really bad idea.” My mind answered with, “No. We’re doing it on the trail. You need the trail. This is the way.” I kept going.
Just as I was approaching the busiest and loudest section of the loop, almost halfway through, I got the call. Of course. I answered, “Hey! How’s it going? How are you?” The response was coming in and out and when I could hear words, I couldn’t turn the volume up high enough to hear them well. “There seems to be a lot of background noise,” he said. Shit. I hopped off to the side away from the traffic to find a quieter spot with better reception. “Is this better?” I asked. “A little.”
For the next hour I stood in that spot, uncomfortably cold, trying to make heads and tails of what he was saying in spite of the poor reception, low volume, and background noise around me, apologizing here and there for my poor decision making skills. At this point walking any which way would have been worse and I was still about an hour’s walk from home.
It’s hard to respond when you don’t really know what was said. I responded anyway. My energy was scattered and distracted by cars, geese, and the cold. It makes me laugh out loud to think of the conversation he must have had versus the conversation I experienced having. Why didn’t I say, “Can we reschedule? I made a dumb choice based off of fear and lack and now we’re both here paying for it.” I guess part of me had a feeling we weren’t hitting it off anyway, so I just let it play out. I also knew that we had planned this for days so I didn’t want to flake, which is silly given the fact that it was hardly a functional phone date anyway. At one point there must have been five ambulances and fire trucks blaring in the background and the poor guy was trying to stay focused on what he was saying, and doing a great job from what I could hear.
This went on for another 45 minutes or so as I finally was moving again, on my way home in the cold dark, one of the only people left on the trail. I finally found some quiet as I cut up through the neighborhood once closer to home, moving away from the busier road along the river. We spoke for about 15 minutes in the quiet, and he ended by saying something like, “I’m pretty tired. I think you’re a sweet person, but maybe not for dating.” (I’m cracking up writing this.) I thanked him for being honest and wished him a happy weekend.
The question I had for myself was, “Would entertaining this phone date in the quiet and warmth of my home really have been worse than what just happened here?” It felt like life was showing me on the outside what I was avoiding on the inside. The funny thing is I did feel pretty comfortable and confident while speaking to him outside, but I think it was because I was covering up my insecurities with distraction and didn’t have to be too intimate and vulnerable with so much going on around me.
When my mind was first insisting on taking the walk for the call, I should have realized, “Hey you’re trying to be ok from the outside in, you’re trying to use the external world to create a sense of confidence and calm.” I should have stopped the train right there and taken the time to feel where in the body this sense of fear and low self-esteem around the date was. I should have allowed it to be there, felt it fully, released as much as was ready to be released. I could have also followed that up with some EFT tapping around self-worth, confidence, self-esteem, etc. to create new stories around those things. (Deconditioning the Heart Center if you’re into HD.)
This is the work: recognizing when it’s needed and then relaxing and releasing through discomfort to get to the other side where freedom, clarity, and alignment exists. To clear all the junk off the table. I still don’t doubt the conclusion of the date might have been the same if I had relaxed and released and decided to stay home where we could actually hear each other, but I would have been more proud about how I showed up for myself and for the other.
All in all this was of course a good reminder and learning experience and I’m grateful for the lesson. Just something else to be released and transmuted for my growth and evolution.
Do you have the habit of using the external world to help you feel ok too? I think we all do, and even though it’s scary and new to begin taking care of our inner environment and looking at all the uncomfortable feelings, to me it’s the most important thing we can do to live a life of peace and alignment. I have been consistently releasing these trapped emotions for the past year or so and my peace and alignment have increased one hundred fold. I’m still practicing and there’s still more to release, but I’m so much higher than where I started out.
Some resources I love for emotional release:
